Having kids has completely changed me. I think it changes most people, to a certain degree. You become more selfless, more responsible, more loving, among other things. You know hurt in a new way. You feel your kids pain and their struggles. You also know love in a whole new way and you feel it much differently now. Your heart becomes so completely full that you actually feel like it’s going to explode sometimes. You could, and most likely have, lay and watch your child(ren) sleeping for hours without getting bored. They are just so perfect in every single way. And they are your little pieces of perfection.
When I found out I was pregnant on Leticia, I felt so excited, happy, fulfilled … words can’t even begin to describe some of the emotions I felt. Seeing her tiny diamond ring resembling body in a scan for the first time threw me into a pool of my own tears of pure bliss. Meeting her!!! Oh my goodness! When you meet your baby for the first time it is so overwhelming. It’s like you’ve waited a lifetime to meet them and now they’re here. You already know them so well, but you don’t know them at all. They immediately need to be comforted by you and as you learn every single little tiny feature they have you feel as if everything has just fit into place. Everything! Then your second baby comes along and it happens all over again. Reagan entered our world crying the exact same cry as her big sister and wearing the exact same facial expression too. When her dad introduced her to me, I could have sworn someone had just handed me Leticia all over again. The resemblance was just uncanny.
People say that when you have more than one child, you need to learn how to divide your love between them. But why? Granted, I only have two kids but I believe that your heart just keep growing and growing, making sure there is enough love in there to go round.
Don’t get me wrong, not every day with kids is easy. Nor is it filled with magical unicorns and rainbows. In fact, some days are just a big pile of shit (sometimes quite literally), especially the tantrum-filled ones or the sick ones or the overly needy for no reason ones. But when you look into those little innocent eyes and see that big cheeky grin lighting up their whole face, everything changes. When those shitty moments are happening, you long for one of those smiles to lower your stress levels. Those moments are what solidify their love for you and your love for them. You see the strength of love in those moments.
You are much more than just a parent in the eyes of your children. You are their teacher, their nurse, their doctor, their jester, their waiter, their chef, their caretaker, their protector, their friend. You are their absolutely everything. And they are yours.
Growing up, I watched one of my aunts, in particular, parent her kids. I loved how she was with them. The love was so evident and her house was just filled with it. I never once heard her raise her voice at them. And I definitely never saw her raise a hand to them. They respected her and she respected them just as much. She, in my opinion, was just a natural born parent and what I wished to be one day to my own kids.
Now that day has come and it’s really not as easy as she, or other parents make it look. Parenting can be really tough and quite the challenge. But boy is it rewarding and it sure knows how to give you a different perspective on life. I love my girls with all of my heart and I would go to the end of this universe and b for them. They’re still very young but that doesn’t stop my visions of how their futures might be.
I don’t think we realise how much our parents actually love us until we have kids of our own. That’s when the reality of it all kicks in and you understand their worry, exhaustion and their reasoning for sending you 43 messages when you were out with friends in your late teens. You know now that you’re going to go through all of this yourself. You know that you’re going to need to be strong enough to be a good parent and wise enough to know if you are doing it right or not. From the moment I found out I was pregnant on Leticia, I made myself a promise; a promise to be the best parent I possibly could be. This would be the one thing in life that I couldn’t quit and the one thing I would completely excel at. Excel within my own immediate family that is. I would do it my way (mine and Berto’s, obviously) and the best way for our children.
For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about this promise and I’ve decided to quit being a parent. That took a turn you didn’t expect, huh? Really though, I have been thinking about this promise and I’ve decided that making a promise to myself is not enough. I need to make a promise to my precious girls. But not just one. Although neither of them are even close to learning to read yet, I have put together a list of promises for them…
Leticia and Reagan,
The two most beautiful girls I have ever known. I love you both to the end of this earth. My heart has been non-stop growing since I first met you both. Sometimes I think it’s going to burst with all the love in there for you two…and your daddy. I hope one day you will understand my love for you. In the meantime, here are some promises I have made for you both …
- I promise that I will always protect you both without being too overbearing.
- I promise that you will always come first (except for when there’s chocolate involved but that’s mainly because I want you to be healthier than me).
- I promise that I will always trust my gut instinct when it comes to you both. If I feel something is off about a situation, I will ensure that you are not part of it.
- I promise I will never harm you; neither physically nor emotionally.
- I promise to always trust you and have your backs as long as you can trulypromise me you are not in the wrong.
- I promise to be here for you to laugh with, to cry to, to complain to, and to talk to without judgement or self sorrow.
- I promise that I will always respect your decisions in life as long as they make you happy.
- I promise to let you learn from your own mistakes and not from mine.
- I promise to never hold you back from living your dreams.
- I promise to be right here for you the first time someone breaks your heart (I also promise, as hard as it will be, to not harm whoever has broken your heart).
- I promise to help you as much as I can with whatever you may need in life, within reason.
- Lastly, I promise to always love you unconditionally with every single beat of my heart.
PS. Never leave me.