I was thirteen when my sister was born so I vividly remember a lot of her childhood and the weird/ gross things my mother used to do. Obviously being in the height of my teens, I was mortified by my mother’s sheer lack of shame when it came to my little sister. Well, little did I know!
So, here I am now – parenting and boy can it be disgusting. Yes, there are beautiful moments, of course there are, but with a two year old who’s currently toilet training herself (praise the Lord!!!) and a four month old, the disgusting moments sometimes tend to outweigh the beautiful moments.
Let’s start from the beginning with the birth of our first little girl. In my defence, I was super high on whatever drugs the chinese doctors had given me for my C-section and I had been watching a lot of The Lion King in the lead up to the birth. Doesn’t make sense, right? Well, Leticia was born. We finally had our little bundle of joy and we were completely overjoyed. I was a little too overjoyed and had the strongest urge to lick her head. Yup!!! Lick her head!!! You read correctly. I turned to my hubby and said, ‘I just want to lick her head like a giraffe!’ I couldn’t really understand why he laughed. It was completely normal in my head. I totally blame The Lion King for putting that in my head now (even if it was a lioness licking her cubs head and nothing to do with a giraffe).
That was only the first odd moment. I also remember an incident where I licked snot from Leticia’s face even though I had two free hands and plenty of tissues with me. Probably one of my more disgusting moments and not one I should ever really share but there it is. To be fair, I immediately realised what I had done and was utterly grossed out by my actions. Please don’t hold it against me.
Of course, I could talk about dirty nappies and all that but honestly, I feel like dirty nappies are probably some of the more “normal” aspects of parenting. I mean, poosplosions will never be considered normal nor will I miss them whenever they end. Let’s be serious though, being a parent just takes you on a journey you never thought you’d go on … not in your wildest dreams.
Poosplosions, projectile vomiting, cleaning up explosive diarrhoea … from everywhere, picking poop out of the shower or bath, wiping snot after snot after snot, clearing up eye gunk. It’s all very real and not for the faint hearted. Believe me, I was faint hearted. I wouldn’t be caught dead wiping a snotty nose or changing a dirty nappy before I had kids myself. Considering I’m a teacher, I probably should have been a bit better with this.
Now just to add a little extra spice to the mix – try to imagine things you would never even dream of saying or think you would ever have to do. That is parenting.
Never did I think I would have to tell anyone to take a pacifier out of their bum.
Never did I think I’d have to stop a toddler from force feeding play-doh to a baby.
Never did I think I’d have to tell a human being not to put a pizza in her vagina.
Never did I think I’d have to run around my house after a shower to avoid having a toddler try to put my hairbrush in my butt.
Never did I think I’d have to console anyone over poop being flushed down the toilet.
Never did I think I’d have to hold up towels at my baby’s bum to stop poop from spraying everywhere after a her vaccinations.
And never did I ever think that any of these things could be in the slightest bit funny. But they are. And they’re kind of cute too.
Parenting is weird in so many ways. I’m just one parent with two kids. I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it gets after the first 2, nor do I wish to find out.
However, as weird and disgusting as it may get, I love being a parent. I have so much love for my two girls. They both make me so proud each and every day. My two year old just potty trained herself! If that’s not something to be damn proud of, I don’t know what is. I’ll take all these weird moments any second of any day as long as my girls are always happy and healthy. Just look at their cuteness.
If my daughters ever find this blog post when they’re older, I don’t think I’m going to be the flavour of the month.